Champagne
by Fic Fairy
Summary: The sequel to Coffee. We're one year on, and Liv is having mother issues all over again, and in spite of being her husband, Elliot still doesn't know how to help her. FEEDBACK PLEASE!
1. Chapter 1

**Authors Notes - This is a little tale of 'what happened next', being as it is a sequel to my fic Coffee. Its got El, and Liv… and… well some lovely dovey angst. Who'd have guessed! Please R&R!**

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**Champagne (a sequel to Coffee - .net/s/5986837/1/Coffee)**

**By Fic Fairy**

The champagne was flowing. And with good reason. For once in their lives the Special Victims Unit had something to celebrate. There were all there. Fin, Cragen, Munch, even Alex had turned up, plus of course Elliot and Olivia. They were, of course, the couple of the hour.

It was nice, Elliot thought, as he watched Olivia pour the champagne. He hadn't realised how much he'd missed the whole gang being together until that moment. Not that it wasn't a sacrifice worth making. He glanced over at Alex, who was nursing his daughter. It was completely, totally and utterly worth the sacrifice.

"You doing ok over there aunty Alex?" He asked, as his beautiful - fairly recent - wife came over to him with a tray of champagne. He took a glass and then smiled up at her, "She's doing pretty good huh?"

Olivia smiled, "Yeah. She's a natural." Her words hung in the air between the two of them, just for a second, slightly awkwardly but it was so brief that Elliot hoped, hoped desperately, that no one else would notice. Certainly, as far as he could see from watching Olivia as she breezed round the room handing out champagne to Munch, Fin and Alex and an orange juice to Cragen, she'd recovered quickly enough and returned to playing the social butterfly. The dedicated hostess.

"She adorable." Alex said to Elliot and Olivia, once the latter had stopped fussing over their guests and sat down, "You must be unbelievably proud."

Elliot waited, as he had done so often over the last 4 days for Olivia to answer and when she didn't, wrapped his arm around her shoulder and did so himself, "Well of course she's adorable, she takes after her mother. Her beautiful mother." At his side he felt Olivia stiffen, and chalked down another mental note, another item on his list of things he needed to deal with once their guests were gone. Her complete inability to cope with compliments.

Not that their guests were aware of that fact, so saw no reason not to pile them on.

"She is looking pretty damn good." Munch commented, right on cue, "No one would guess you've been shelling babies like peas to look at you."

Olivia smiled, but Elliot could tell it was forced, "Baby. Pea. Singular."

"She's a sizeable pea." Fin said, peering over Alex's shoulder to where the baby was laying contentedly, "I'd assume that would hurt but you're looking pretty perky."

Olivia sipped her champagne, "There's no point feeling sorry for yourself. The hard part is over, its time to move on."

"It must be hard though?" Alex chipped in, "With all the night feeds and I dunno… the responsibility. Does it feel stressy?"

He was intrigued what her answer would be to that, whether she'd tell the truth or go for out and out denial.

Denial it was.

"Its not so bad. And Elliot helps out with the night feeds. Its not as bad as people think…"

'Elliot helps out with the night feeds' - Christ she was a cool customer. He loved her, he loved her dearly, and he knew that nothing came without an explanation but she had the cheek of a dozen, that was for sure.

It wasn't that he minded. Not in the slightest. He loved her, wanted to help her, and he was going to do whatever he could. But he was worried about her too, genuinely felt that they had a serious problem.

And so, once their guests were gone, shown out by her, while he was left holding the baby - so no change there - he took little Millie out to the kitchen, where her mommy was busy loading the dishwasher.

"Let me do that." He said, moving beside her, all ready to put the baby into her arms, "You should go and settle this little one."

She shook her head, no surprises there, and carried on her task, "You do it. She settles better for you."

It was a familiar pattern from the last four days. He encouraged her to take care of their daughter, tried to show her what she should be doing, and she backed away, said he knew better. Stepped away from them both. It was tough because he knew she was new to being a parent, and still - inspite of what she'd said to Munch - tired from the birth, and he also knew that he was the more experienced of the two of them but at the same time, he didn't want her to miss out on crucial bonding time with her daughter.

"Liv." Cradling the baby in one arm, he reached out to touch her shoulder with the hand of the other, "Come on, you're tired. Why don't you go lay on the bed with her. If you both fall asleep I can move her when I come in."

She didn't argue a second time, but she still looked far from comfortable and confident as he placed Millie in her arms. In fact, she looked just plain uncomfortable which must have registered with the baby because she instantly started to wail.

"El…" his partner, his wife, held the baby out to him like it was a bomb that was about to blow, "… please… I don't know how to make her stop…"

It was a revelation to him, after Kathy, who had been born to be a mother, and also after 3 years of working with Olivia herself. When they'd come up against child vics and witnesses in the course of their work, Olivia had been spectacular, displaying maternal instincts at every turn, and yet now…

"Please El…" There were tears in her eyes as she shoved the crying baby back into his arms, before fleeing, sobbing near hysterically herself, in the direction of the bedroom as the baby's screams resonated around the apartment.

Elliot groaned. It was going to be a long night.

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Olivia lay on her bed, her and Elliot's bed, crying almost in unison with the crying baby she could hear from the other side of the door. It was too much, she didn't want to hear it, so she yanked open the drawer of her bedside table, pulling out her IPOD, jamming the headphones into her ears and pushing the play button, not caring what she was listening to as long as it wasn't a baby crying.

It was Alanis Morrisette. And she was singing an angry song full of angry lyrics. Well that suited Olivia down to the ground. Because she was angry. Her apartment had been taken over by a screaming baby, Elliot was… was… like… the perfect fucking parent and she had breasts like two bowling balls.

She could out angry Alanis Morrisette any time she liked.

She didn't bother listening to the lyrics, just broke down as she suddenly became aware of said rock hard breasts leaking all over her shirt. Great, like being uncomfortable wasn't enough, now she had to be wet and uncomfortable. She got up from the bed and stripped off, before throwing an old T-shirt of Elliot's and then curling up on the bed again.

That was better. She could smell him, sense him there with her. Like she used to, in the early days when they were a proper couple. Before she went off with the 'other woman'. Before he loved Millie more than he loved her.

The tears came again with that thought, as she hated herself for thinking of her own baby in that way. Their baby. Its was insane, Millie was everything she ever wanted and now she was here she hated her, resented her and was scared stupid of her in equal parts.

A pretty lousy way for a mother to feel.

'A mother'… ha, like she could ever be one of those. How could she? She didn't even know what the word meant.

Just as she was pondering that the phone rang. She reached for the one beside the bed reluctantly, "Stabler…"

"Livvy, its Kathleen."

Great. Like it wasn't hard enough having a daughter, now she had to play step mom too. She fudged it. Tried to sound sickly sweet and pleased to hear from her. Not that it mattered, she only wanted her dad. So THAT clearly ran in the family.

She got to her feet and went into the living room where Elliot was sat, cradling the baby in his arms. The non crying, almost sleeping baby - so no fucking surprises there. She shoved the phone into his hands and then went back to her bed.

Time passed. She could hear Elliot, talking in hushed tones to Child 2 of 5. If she'd have had the energy she'd have been interested as to what they were discussing, but as it was, she couldn't have given a toss.

Later, much later came into their room. He placed Millie down into her crib and then lay down on the bed beside her, She felt her body tense up, and hated herself for it, not like it was anything new.

And then, his hand was on her neck, gently caressing it, making her wish she could run screaming from him, although even she would never be that tactless. She rolled over, look at him.

"What?"

He smiled. Weakly. The smile he'd been giving her for three years, whenever he thought her behaviour was giving him cause for concern. "Liv. Talk to me."

"And say what?" she decided deliberately evasive was the right idea, "Munch has lost weight, Fin has put it on, the Captain clearly misses me and Alex is blatantly broody as a bitch on heat."

He pulled her closer and stroked her hair which was an indicator trouble was on the horizon, "We could talk about that. Or we could talk about you and Millie."

Unbelievably it wasn't the first time in the four short days that made up Millie's life that Elliot had tried to talk to Olivia about her relationship with her daughter, but it was the first time she acquiesced to his suggestion, probably a result of the ¾ of the bottle of champagne she'd downed while the squad was with them.

"She doesn't like me."

He pulled her closer then, clucking like a chicken, "Sweetheart, she's a baby, she doesn't know who she likes. Not really."

"Then why does she always cry at me?"

Olivia knew how pathetic it sounded. But she couldn't help herself. In her four days as a mother she'd found it to be absolutely hell and nothing like she'd expected it to be. She was just useless. And she also expected Elliot to laugh at her. But he didn't.

"Maybe its just because your nervous honey." He did his 'thing' rubbing her back and kissing her hair, all the things he did so well and yet, at the end of it, he still couldn't reassure her, in spite of her assurances to the contrary.

"Liv, I'm sure you're going to be an amazing mother."

Yeah. That was likely given her track record. Her family's track record.

She was going to be a lousy mother.

Just like her own.

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	2. Chapter 2

**Authors Note - This has taken a little while to appear because I'm struggling with this version of Olivia almost as much as Elliot is! Still not entirely convinced I'm happy with this chapter but hopefully you won't think its too dire! :D **

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He knew where her concerns were coming from. It didn't take Einstein to work it out. He knew how damaged her relationship with her own mother had left her, and in spite of all the conversations they'd had surrounding the subject when they first got together, she'd never really got as far as doing anything about it. He'd tried suggesting once or twice that if might be a good idea for her to talk to someone about it, but once she'd realised that he was going to be true to his word with regards to Kathy and their relationship she'd been on such a high that he didn't pursue it for fearing of causing her to crash again.

God, how much he was regretting that now. Perhaps if he'd pushed her to see someone she might not be finding motherhood so hard.

She was still asleep when he woken by Millie crying the next morning, although, yet again he'd done all the night feeds. He didn't wake her though, thinking that in spite of the fact that he'd been the one who had had the broken nights sleep she still looked absolutely exhausted.

He scooped Millie out of her crib and headed into the kitchen to prepare a bottle for her, although his mind was still on Olivia. Worrying about her. He'd got nowhere the night before, and she'd ended up crying herself to sleep in his arms. He hated the fact she appeared to be so lost, and in so much pain but that he couldn't help her, and it was made all the worst by the huge contrast between now and how happy and excited she'd been when she was pregnant. Ok, there had been odd moments where he'd perceived she was nervous about becoming a mom, but nothing to give him any warning of this. He just hoped she'd come out of it soon, for all their sakes.

Once Millie was fed, then changed, he took her into the den, and sat down in front of the TV to flick through the channels, while she lay contentedly in his arms. He'd never have said it to Olivia, because as she'd pointed out the night before, Millie did have a habit of bursting into tears whenever she held her, but he'd never known such a content, happy little baby before. He didn't remember his other 4 being quite so easy to deal with.

He was just wondering if she should take Olivia some breakfast in bed when the doorbell rang. He glanced at his watch, wondering who it could be at such an early hour. He'd arranged the night before for Kathleen to come over and see the baby but it was surely too early for…

"Daddy!" A voice rang through the door, "Daddy! It's Kathleen!"

He got to his feet and went to let her in, not wanting Olivia to be woken by her, and was greeted by the sight of not only his excited looking daughter - who had baby napped Millie from him before she was even through the door, but also his ex wife, who was looking at him apologetically. "Sorry Elliot." she said, "I tried to convince her to come later but she was desperate to see Millie."

"So I see." Elliot said with a laugh, watching as Kathleen spirited off to the den with Millie in her arms, "Coffee?"

He saw Kathy hesitate, and he knew why. They'd not spent much time together since the divorce (although as he had suspected she hadn't been overly surprised when he asked for it) and so possibly she felt that staying for a drink might be awkward, but in any event something must have changed her mind because she nodded slowly. "Ok."

She followed him through to the kitchen, and sat at the breakfast bar while he put the coffee on. "How are you finding fatherhood this time round?" She asked, rather politely he thought given the situation.

He smiled, leaning against the counter, "Yeah, its good. I was just thinking how good Millie is compared to our kids, especially the twins."

Kathy smiled back genially, "Well it's the quiet ones you need to watch out for. As I recall Maureen was the most placid of our babies, and look at her now." She glanced around the apartment, "Where's Olivia?"

"Sleeping." He explained, "She's still pretty wiped out from the birth I think."

"But she's enjoying being a mommy?"

He hesitated at the question. The last thing he wanted to do was tell Kathy the truth and let on how much Olivia was struggling. He wouldn't want to tell anyone that, but least of all his ex wife, because it would seem to disloyal, but at the same time, Kathy knew him pretty well; if he lied to her, she'd see through it. In the end he settled for a half truth,

"Like I said, she's whacked out right now, so I'm kinda carrying things a bit, but once she's recovered I know she's gonna just love it. She was so excited about having a kid. She'll be just great."

"But you're sure she's ok?" Kathy asked, and he felt like she could see right through him although there was no way on earth she could know how bad things were. "Only," she added, "Kathleen said she was funny with her on the phone last night, and she's usually really good with the kids."

Elliot groaned inwardly, imagining that Olivia may well have been funny with his daughter given the timing of her phone call. No matter what though, he was determined to defend her, "Like I said Kathy, she's tired. Will you explain to Kathleen?"

"Sure." His ex smiled as she nodded, but just as he was feeling a sense of relief at having convinced her Olivia undid all the good work as she entered the kitchen, looking like she was on another planet, her eyes red, bloodshot and blotchy, barely registering their presence as she shuffled over to the cupboard where they kept the first aid kit, opening the door, taking it out and finding two paracetemol.

Elliot went to her side wrapping his arms around her waist and then regretting it seconds later when she flinched at his touch. He glanced over at Kathy, hoping she hadn't registered it but the look of concern on her face told him that she had. He let his arms drop from around Olivia, but grabbed her hand, bringing her closer to him.

"You ok honey?"

She just shrugged, her eyes filling with tears all over again.

"I don't feel good, I think I'll just go back to bed."

He nodded, thinking that it was probably the best thing for her, and then watched her go, while waiting - just waiting - for Kathy to say something, and when she finally did, he was stunned.

"Do I think what?" He questioned, in response, "Postnatal depression? No. No." He protested, "Not at all." But even as he said it, the pieces were falling into place. Her unwillingness to bond with their daughter, her withdrawal from him, the tears, the anger. He thought back to the mothers he'd dealt with professionally, and there had been dozens, who were suffering from PND and couldn't believe he'd missed it when Kathy had caught it in seconds. Kathy must have realised that he was rethinking the picture, because she just stood watching him, again her concern clearly evident.

He sighed, "It is isn't it?"

Kathy nodded, hesitantly, "In all honesty, I thinkso. And if you need proof," she added gently, "she's a new mom who didn't ask where her baby was? Can you imagine me doing that when Maureen was born?"

Elliot had long since given up comparing one wife to the other, but he had to admit that Kathy had a point. He sighed, putting his head in his hands, suddenly feeling exhausted. "What do I do?"

Kathy moved to his side, put her arm around his shoulder, "You don't panic. I mean, its not an expert diagnosis. It could just be early days. It might just be baby blues, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to alarm you."

He shook his head, "No. You're right Kathy." He took a deep breath, before he confided in her all the things he'd been so determined he'd keep to himself, "She won't bond with Millie. She cries all the time. She won't breast feed. And she hates having me touch her. She pretends she'd fine but she's not. God…" he slammed his fist against the counter, "… why didn't I see it?"

"Maybe you just didn't want to." Kathy suggested gently, "Kathleen and Maureen have told me how excited you and Olivia have been about the baby, maybe all this was just too much for you to cope with. Look," she added, "Why don't you go and talk to her. Concentrate on her. I'll keep an eye on Kathleen and Millie."

On one hand, he appreciated what Kathy was suggesting, and almost liked the idea of being able to focus entirely on Olivia, to see if he could get to the bottom of what was going on, but, at the same time he didn't have the first idea what he was going to say to her. Still, he had to try, for all their sakes. He smiled at his ex wife gratefully, "Yeah. Thanks. That would be great."

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Olivia felt like she was going completely mad. Laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, tears cascading down her cheeks. She didn't even know what she was crying for. She just felt so tired and scared and nothing felt right.

She wanted to stop crying when Elliot came in the room, didn't want to give him cause to have to ask pertinent questions that she knew he had every right to be asking, but she couldn't. The tears kept coming. The sobs wracking her body.

He sat down on the bed beside her, and hesitantly reached for her hand. She let him, but she didn't like it. Didn't feel comfortable with it. She waited, expecting him to ask her what was wrong but to her surprise, he didn't. Instead…

"We're going to get through this." His words were gentle. Kind. Unrealistic. How could they get through 'this' when they didn't even know what 'this' was? Before she could argue though, Elliot was handing her a tissue and ploughing on, "We're going to get through this." He said again, softly, "We have to baby. Millie needs us."

Millie. Always Millie. Not her. Not Olivia. Millie. Millie. Millie.

God she felt pathetic. Resenting her own baby. A baby she had wanted so badly, a baby she DID want so badly. She wanted to be a good mom, but she just couldn't. Even Kathleen - barely even a teenager - was better with the baby than she was, a fact she was quick to share with Elliot.

He sighed when he heard what she had to say, squeezed her hand more tightly, "You saw them together? Liv, its different, kids are fearless, it wouldn't even occur to Kathleen to be nervous about holding her."

Well that sounded like a lousy justification. She was Millie's mom. She shouldn't have been nervous. She should have just known what to do. But actually, she didn't want to debate that, there were bigger fish to fry.

"Yeah. I saw that. And I heard you making excuses for me to your ex wife. So thanks for that. What? Am I not allowed to have an off day now?" Even as the words left her lips she felt like a bitch; didn't understand where they were coming from. She looked at Elliot waiting for him to get pissy with her but it didn't happen, instead, he just reached out and wiped a tear from her cheek.

"Liv, the last four days have been an off day for you, and I'm concerned."

She knew, deep down, that he was right to be concerned but some how, rather than admitting it, it was easier to stay angry. Angry and obstinate. Snapping at him, "There's nothing wrong with me."

To her surprise he nodded, "Fine." But she was never going to get away with it that easily, as became evident when he let go of her hand and issued her with a challenge, "Then get out there, pick up your baby and start acting like the mom I know you can be."

There was nothing she liked more than a challenge - Elliot knew that of course, that was why he'd done it - and so she quickly got up from the bed and headed for the door, but as her hand touched the handle she froze.

She knew what would happen. She'd go to the den, take the happy content baby from Kathleen and then the baby would start to scream and cry and protest. And she couldn't face that. Couldn't face the rejection all over again. She turned slowly, facing Elliot, looking at him as tears filled up in her eyes once more.

"I can't."

He moved to her side, put his arms around her, smiling at her sadly, "I know sweetheart." He sounded so resigned to it, like he'd expected it all along, and that knowledge shook Olivia to the core. How could he know, but mores to the point how could he be so calm about it.

She started to cry again, collapsed into his arms, sobbing on his shoulder.

"I'm scared Elliot." she sobbed, absolutely terrified by what she was thinking and feeling, and by her own behaviour, "What the hell is happening to me?"

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	3. Chapter 3

**Authors Notes - Hi to all who are reading this, with especially big waves to those who have favourited it, reviewed and put alerts on. Feedback of all kinds is much appreciated! :D**

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At least she was talking to him. At least she'd admitted to both to herself and to him that there was a problem. It was a start. He led her back to the bed, and lay down beside her, holding her as she cried. Although he hated the fact that she was crying, it felt good to him to have her in his arms, especially considering the way she'd been resisting physical affection since Millie was born.

He let her cry herself out, holding her the whole time, as he rubbed her back and toyed with her hair, although actually, he was using the time to mentally plan his next move. He knew he had to broach the possibility that she was suffering from postnatal depression, but he didn't want to run the risk of putting her back up all over again; after all he needed her on side if he was going to be able to help her.

In any event, he ended up not needing a plan, as once her tears had slowed Olivia took control of the situation, sitting up, wiping her eyes and for the first time in four days actually started to confide in him.

"I don't feel like a new mother should El. I mean, I should be excited right? I should be full of being a mom, I should look at her, at Millie, and feel a huge overwhelming sense of love." She sounded bewildered, and actually, he kind of understood that given all the hype that had built up during her pregnancy, but then again, he also knew it wasn't that simple. What she was talking about was the cliché, but that was all it was; a cliché and a fairy tale. Some mothers felt that, some mothers didn't. It didn't make her a bad person. What he did need to know though, was what she did feel when she looked at their daughter, if only to try and make sense of what was going on in her head.

He took a deep breath, trying to find a way of asking the question without hurting or upsetting her, but deciding in the end that the only way to go was to hit her with it straight. This was Olivia he was dealing with, if he tried to bullshit her, she'd know it.

"What do you think?" He asked, cuddling her closer, "When you look at her?"

She pulled away from him, but before she answered she reached out and took hold of his hand, gripping it tightly in her own. "I don't know." She shook her head, as if trying to clear it. "I just," she sighed, turning to look at him, "Do you promise not to laugh?"

He nodded without hesitation. The last thing he was going to do was laugh at her. She needed to feel supported by him, loved by him, and making a joke out of her was never going to achieve that. All the same, she seemed reluctant, but eventually, slowly and hesitantly she started to explain.

"When I was small, my grandmother, my mom's mom, she had beautiful china tea set." He was bewildered by her story, confused as to where it was going, but, when he saw her smiling at the memory he was pleased she'd decided to share. It was the first positive emotion he'd seen from her in days. "It was so pretty. So delicate." She continued, smiling a second time, at him this time, "Completely the opposite of me."

"You are pretty." he said softly, not wanting her to do herself down, even though he suspected that actually she was just making a joke. As he saw it, she needed all the reassurances he could give her. He wondered if she'd accept the compliment or freak out, as she had done previously but to his relief she took it on board.

"Thanks, but delicate not so much." He let her have that, and then waited for her to continue.

"Anyway. I loved the tea set, and whenever we went to visit, which wasn't very often cos of, well you know, mom." She didn't elaborate because she didn't need to. He could quite imagine why visits to her parents would not have been high on Serena Benson's list of priorities. She couldn't make time for her daughter, let alone her parents, with the two of them coming a long way behind her work and the bottle. "I'd just sit looking at it in complete awe. I fell in love with it. And my grandmother knew it."

Elliot nodded, sensing where the story was going. It didn't take a psychologist to draw the parallels. "She left it to you when she passed away?"

"Yeah. I was 17 when she died, and I was psyched about getting it. I wasn't going to lock it away like she did, that was a waste. I was gonna drink Doctor Pepper out of the cups, use the saucers as coasters and store my jewellery in the sugar bowls."

"But instead, when it arrived, you were too scared you might break it and so you packaged it up and left it in a box in the cupboard somewhere."

She turned to him, smiling slightly as she nodded her head, "How did you know?"

Using his hand that was holding hers, he pulled her backwards so she was sat between his legs, leaning against his chest and wrapped his arms around her, "Because that's how you feel about our baby. You were going to be a great mom, a mom in a league of your own, you weren't going to repeat anyone else's mistakes. But now you have her and you're so scared that you're going to mess up and break her."

She looked up at him and nodded, but her cheeks were flushed and she was clearly embarrassed, "You think it's a stupid analogy?"

He shook his head, cuddled her reassuringly, "Nope. But something's gotta give Liv, cos I'm telling you now, no kid of mine is gonna live in a box in a cupboard…"

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Talking to Elliot, telling him about the tea service, actually helped to clear her head a little. Talking about the baby was hard, very hard, she knew that from the attempts they'd made already; it made her feel like she was being criticised and then she flew off the handle. But talking about the tea service was ok.

Or at least it was until Elliot made the crack about the cupboard. Then her defences went flying up all over again.

"Are you making fun of me?" She pulled away from him and got up from the bed, feeling her hackles rise. Elliot was quick to try and placate her, of course, but it didn't help much. "It feels like you're making fun of me." she snapped, "Unless it wasn't meant to be funny. Unless you're genuinely concerned that I might try and shove Millie in a box." She looked at him, her eyes narrowing, "Is that it? You think I'm turning into the mad baby in a box woman?"

He sighed, "No Liv, that's not what I think. I was just trying to lighten things a bit. I'm sorry."

She heard his apology, but it didn't really sink in, as she got to her feet began pacing the bedroom floor, "Who knows? Maybe you're right? May I am like that." She looked at him questioningly, "You think I could hurt her?"

He groaned, sounding frustrated, "God Liv, no. Not at all." There was a beat, a pause, and when he spoke again and she heard what he had to say she wasn't sure what to make of it, whether to be pissed at him, or whether to just accept that she deserved to be asked the question because of the way she was behaving, "Why? Do you think you could?"

She stopped her in her tracks, "No!" She said it without hesitation and it didn't escape her notice that Elliot looked slightly relieved at that, although she didn't dwell on what exactly that meant, thinking it would only make things worse to do so. "But…" she bit her lip, "she is little and she flings herself around when she cries, I'm scared I might drop her. Plus," she slumped back down on the edge of the bed tiredly, "look at what my mom did to me. I could hurt her. Not like in a crazy woman way, but I could."

"Arguably Liv, your mother was crazy woman."

She opened her mouth to defend her mother and then realised she wasn't going to stand a hope in hell of doing so. Not considering all Elliot knew of her, and the damage she'd done to her. Instead, she just shrugged, "I suppose."

Elliot got up from the bed, "Liv, we've got a lot to deal with here, and I'm going to help you with all of it. But right now, going on what you've said, there's one thing I can do for you. If you'll trust me."

She nodded her ascent, but when he disappeared, reappearing moments later with baby Millie in his arms, she instantly regretted it, and started to panic. She turned to him, her eyes wide, feeling like she could vomit at any minute.

"Please don't make me hold the baby. Please."

She expected him to roll over instantly, and stop pushing the point, but he didn't, instead making himself comfortable on the bed, babe still in arms, and ignoring her pleas. Then he looked at her, gave her his firmest look which she knew was a sign that he meant business, "Sit between my legs like you did before."

She didn't move. Shaking her head furiously.

His firm look turned even firmer, which she hadn't even known was possible, and he uttered two words that made he realise she had to at least try.

"Tea set."

She moved between his legs and sat down, although didn't lean back for fear of crushing the baby. Then she watched as Elliot in one smooth slick move, worthy of a world class juggler, brought the baby around her and placed her on the bed between Olivia's legs as he pulled Olivia back against his chest.

She peered down at Millie who was looking up at her expectantly then turned back to Elliot, "I'm still not holding her."

He smiled, "I know. Because if you pick her up now she'll sense your nerves and start crying." She felt his hands slide up to her shoulders as he began to massage her there, before planting a row of kisses on her neck. "Talk to her Liv. Let her hear your voice. Let her get to know you."

She was so in awe of him. He'd always been good to her, as partner first, friend second, then lover, then husband, but never more so in that moment, as her baby's father. She knew any other man might have shaken her to make her get a grip, or told her to get a grip. But not Elliot. Elliot was helping her with aptly named baby steps.

And yet, as she tried to do as he said, she realised she'd stumbled on yet another problem.

"I don't know what to say to her." She stuttered, looking round at him, desperately searching for answers in his eyes, "What should I say?"

Elliot leant forward, brushing his lips against hers, before providing her with the answer that she was looking for, "Why don't you tell her about the tea set."

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	4. Chapter 4

**Woo! I'm on a roll! Another fic dragged back from the brink of extinction! As ever, I love all feedback! :D**

**(note - postnatal depression is now post partum depression because my American readers inform me that that's the proper American terminology!)**

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He knew it wasn't the end of their problems, but as he sat, rubbing Olivia's shoulders, and kissing her neck, listening as she talked to their baby, he felt like they were making some much needed progress. She was hesitant at first, but as she told her story, she became more confident, and when she finally finished it he felt a sudden surge of pride as he saw her reach out and gently stroke one of Millie's legs. It was a small step, a very small step, but she'd done it voluntarily and that meant the world to him.

And to Olivia too apparently.

"She's not crying." she murmured softly, as she became more bold, leaning further forward and holding out her hand so that the baby could grip her finger. She looked round at him, a weak smile on her face, "She's not crying Elliot."

He cuddled her closer, "I know. It feels good huh?"

She nodded, but slowly, "Yeah. It does. It feels really good."

He wondered if he should push her a little, and suggest that she hold the baby in her arms, but at the same time he didn't wanted to attempt too much too soon, panic her, the baby or both and end up putting the three of them right back to square one. So, instead, he just held her, watching as she tentatively got to know their daughter.

For a while, she didn't say anything, just sat holding their daughter's tiny hand but after a while she looked round,

"What happened to Kathy and Kathleen?"

He kissed her forehead, "They left when I brought Millie in here. Thought we could use some space, they're going to call round again tomorrow."

"Oh." She fell silent again, a pensive expression on her face, and he wondered the if thought of his ex wife being around was too much for her, but then she spoke again revealing what was really worrying her, "I wasn't very nice to Kathleen on the phone last night. I tried to be, but I was upset and she wanted to speak to you and it just felt like," she sighed, "it felt everyone wanted you. Like I'm not good enough or something." she glanced back at Millie who had fallen asleep, "Its how it feels with Millie."

That was down to his experience he supposed. His confidence. And it had become a vicious circle. He was the one who was confident with the baby, so she, feeling quite the opposite, had left him to it, but the more he did the worse she must have felt about herself.

"You are good enough." He said gently, wanting to reassure her, "Its just nerves. Like you said, you're worried about hurting her. But you don't need to be. Babies are pretty resilient Liv. And," he added, "Kathleen would have talked to you, but she thought you sounded odd and upset so she didn't want to keep you on the phone. It was nothing more than that."

She sighed, "You must think I've reached Munch worthy levels of paranoia."

He shook his head chuckling slightly, "Not at all, no one's that bad, but," he said hesitantly, "you're obviously not happy, and I know we've talked a little about why, but I just need to be sure there's nothing more to it that when you're telling me." She looked at him questioningly and he felt her tense up in his arms in anticipation of what was coming next, but it was too late to take the words back so he just had to plough on. "Liv, do you feel like you could be suffering from post partum depression?"

He waited for the fireworks, suspecting she wouldn't be happy with the suggestion but to his surprise they didn't come. Instead she sat in silence, staring down at the baby, and then when she did turn back to him, she just nodded slowly, her eyes full of tears. Again, he felt a surge of pride, knowing how hard it must have been to admit to it. He leant forward and gently kissed her,

"Well done baby."

"It makes so much sense." she said softly, "I want to love her Elliot. I want to love her so badly it hurts. But something doesn't feel right, and I thought it was because of my mom but it isn't is it? I'm sick."

He cuddled her close, stroking her hair, wanting to reassure her, "I think you might be Liv, but this doesn't have to be a big deal. It happens to so many women. We can sort it out."

She swallowed hard, obviously fighting back tears, "We've investigated some of those women Elliot. They hurt their babies. What if I do that?"

He knew from their earlier conversation that she didn't really think she would intentionally hurt Millie, but he wasn't surprised by the question. She was feeling scared and vulnerable, and as she'd pointed out, during their partnership they had seen women with the same condition that they suspected she was suffering from who had injured - and even in some cases killed - their infants.

But those were extreme cases, as he was quick to reassure her. Not that it really worked.

"But what if I'm an extreme case?" she asked, shakily, "I mean, the extreme cases, they don't know they're extreme do they. I mean some women don't even remember doing it." he felt her tense in his arms, "Who was that one… her husband was lawyer." she murmured, recalling one of their cases, "She tossed the baby out with the trash. She disassociated. She genuinely didn't know."

He remembered the case all too clearly. Babies in trash cans were not generally easy to forget, but even more than that he remembered the way the mother, an intelligent, professional, woman who had been through IVF to have the child had collapsed screaming in court as she'd heard the case against her and suddenly realised the truth. It was hardly surprising it was the case that his wife was focusing on but there was no way their life was going to go the same way.

Now he just had to reassure her of that fact.

"Liv." he held her tightly, forcing her to look at him, "That isn't going to happen to you. I won't let it. We'll see a doctor, and then I'll make sure I stay with you until you're comfortable being left with Millie. We'll get through this, I promise."

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She wanted to believe him. Wanted to believe that she could get past this and be a 'normal' mother. A mother who loved her baby, a mother who could give her child everything she needed.

Completely the opposite of her own mother really.

But she was still scared, even more scared now he'd played the post partum depression card. In spite of his assurances every case they'd ever handled where post partum depression had played a part were whirling around her head, bringing with them images of dead babies and grieving mothers until she felt like she was going to vomit.

The only distraction came from a sudden high pitched scream that came from the baby laying in front of her. She grasped Elliot's leg tightly, panic searing through her,

"What's wrong with her?" she asked, not recognising her own voice because of how shrill it sounded, "Did I hurt her?" It was a stupid question, because she knew she'd not touched Millie and yet she couldn't help asking it.

Elliot smiled, "No. Of course not." he glanced at his watch, "Its feeding time at the Stabler Zoo. She's hungry. Will you stay with her while I get a bottle ready."

She opened her mouth to respond then shut it again hastily, feeling a little taken aback by what her gut response was. Her brain was telling her it was the right thing to say but the rest of her thought she'd gone mad. But then again, she guessed that that was the point. She took a deep breath and then forced out her answer.

"No." she noted the gutted looking expression on Elliot's face, and understood completely why he'd hate her apparent refusal to stay with their daughter, but actually, she hadn't finished, "No, I won't stay with her while you get a bottle." she said trying to keep her voice calm and neutral although she was scared stiff and felt physically sick, "I don't want her to have a bottle. I want to feed her myself."

Her husband gave her a surprised look, "Really? You're sure?"

She shook her head, "No, but I have to start somewhere don't I?"

"This is a pretty big place to start." Elliot remarked, and she knew what he meant, it felt like climbing Mount Everest, but she was determined to at least try. Self consciously she undid her nightshirt and then looked up at him helplessly,

"Will you give me a hand here. I don't really know what I'm doing." She felt so stupid and humiliated having to ask him, knowing that breast feeding ought to come so much more naturally than it was for her, but Elliot quickly made all the embarrassment go away as he kissed her forehead and told her how proud he was of her.

And a few minutes later, with Millie resting on a pillow, silent and suckling away, she was glad she'd pushed herself. Elliot must have realised as much too, because he was quick to remark on it.

"Its not so bad huh?"

She shook her head, looking down at her daughter, and smiling slightly, "No. I guess not. I don't know what I was so scared of."

"Why did you decide to try?" he asked gently.

"Its one of the symptoms isn't it?" she replied, "Not wanting to breastfeed."

He smiled, "You're going to beat it one symptom at a time are you?"

"Is that crazy?" she asked, "Is that why you're smiling?"

He shook his head, "Nope, I'm smiling because its typically you Liv. You decide you want to do something, you put your mind to it, and you do it." he leant forward and gently brushed his lips against hers, "I've always loved that about you."

She bit her bottom lip, feeling emotional at hearing him say he loved her, largely because she had no idea what she'd done to deserve it, "You do still love me then? Even though I've been a lousy mom to your daughter?" She felt tears welling up in her eyes, and nothing she could do would stop them, "Because I don't know what I'd do if you stopped loving me."

"Liv, do you really think I'd stop loving you? NOTHING would make me stop loving you, least of all this which is out of your control." he reached out and stroked her cheek, "You, me and Millie are a family, and we're going to stay that way, so I don't want to hear any other suggestion to the contrary. Understood?"

She nodded slowly, "Understood."

And the best thing was, she very nearly almost believed him.


End file.
